Ninety Eight 98

Pensieve

I would want to write down each and memory of you. 

I remember that once, you would ask me, that a lot of other people had asked about you and me. And i answered, just say, we are close because we work together. That's all. And just ignore them.

I remembered that you cleared cut to me that you had a girlfriend. I don't really know why you had to tell me that. But because of that i respected your relationship and refrain myself from falling. 

I remembered that when you broke up with her, you were so sad. You can't eat, you said can't sleep and everyday you talked about her. I felt bad for you, so I gave you a big hug and i said, any time if you ever wanted a shoulder to cry, an ear to listen or just someone to sit next to you. I can be be there for you. And i wondered, is there sure thing as loss of appetite because of sadness? And only now, i understand how it feels. 

I remembered that you loved to eat at the chinese stall where the only malay who is eating is us. You would always eat fried rice. And we would go together, mostly just the two of us, because the others wouldn't want to join us. 

I remembered each and every time, if you see me, you would flash those teeth of yours and smile as broad as you can. I missed that smile. 

I remembered the way you laugh.

I remembered how you finished the cheese cake that i had made, saying that it was delicious. Even though i said to leave some for Fa, yeah, you left some, but just a tiny piece for her. 

I remembered that you loved to spray my perfume on yourself. Even though it is a girl's perfume. You just said the smell was nice and you loved it. Up until now, i did not finish up that perfume, because the smell reminded me of you. 

I remembered what you said when i first wore the hijab. It was, is this only for ramadhan? I didnt get to say anything before you continued talking, wear this like forever. It's good. But you never said that i looked pretty in it. I guess it's because i never looked pretty in your eyes. I understand that. 

I remembered when you had your surgery, you called me like 4 times a day. Maybe you are scared, and i wasnt there to comfort you. I felt bad that i couldnt visit you at the hospital. So i visited you at your house.  You were having an argument with your dad, and all of your family went out for dinner. You sulked and stayed at home. When i came, you were alone, once u got in the car, you were nagging about the problems you had with your dad. Once again, i listened. And we ate at red wok. The food was delicious. And i thought you felt a bit better, because you get to talk about your problems, and i know you felt better because you stopped nagging after that.

I remembered that you would scold me like hell, even though i dont know what is the reason. You would scream at me. Like when this one time we were at that bowling tournament, i was in the way when you were talking with elis, and you said harshly, tepilah skit, aku nak cakap dengan kawan pun tak senang. You could say it nicely, i can understand but you didnt, instead you screamed at me. And you never apologise. The next day at the futsal tournament, yeah, you did try to reconcile, you tried to hug me, but i pushed you away. But i still cheered for you any way. Your team got number two. I remembered. But you never aplogise. I realised that i'm not the one, that is why you never took care of my feelings. And you never apologise. 

I remembered the conversation we had about marriage. Our dream ceremony, just simple, family and friends. We both agreed on that. But deep down inside, i know i'm not the bride you are referring to, it's always someone else. Because you said, if i'm getting married, you can do the pelamin. That is if i trusted you with it. Haha funny. But think about it, i might never fall in love again. 

I remembered hanging out with your friends. I'm quite comfortable hanging out with them. But you always seemed a bit quiet, not like you. I wonder why. Until now, i dont know why. And i always do the talking. I missed hanging out with you and your friends. 

I remembered a person telling me that you said, you just treated me a friend. You never had feelings. I understand that, so i decided to run away. I decided to cut connections. I decided once i got the strength i would stop talking to you. Yes, i am a person mean to myself. I have to be mean, or it will just hurt me more. 

I remembered jogging every day so that i can stop thinking about you. And it helped. Until i had my knee surgery, and i couldnt jog. Then, i started to think about you again. 

I remembered that you said that we will talk about this, but instead you left me all alone. I was drowning, almost dead, with feelings. And you just walk away and left me all alone, to die. In fact, i'm already dead inside. 

And there are more memories about you. 

I hope that this note serves as a Pensieve. By extracting my memories of you out, i wouldnt have to remember them again. Because it just hurts. It hurts badly. 

I just hope.